Before I get started, I want to say that if you enjoy Warhammer, more power to you, I’m not saying that it’s terrible, I’m not saying that I hate people who play it, I don’t care. You do you and I’ll do me.

What I am saying is that there are a lot of obnoxious apologists out there who can’t imagine why anyone wouldn’t want to throw hundreds of dollars at their hobby, mostly, I think, because they’re desperate to have someone to play with.

That’s not me. So let’s get started.

This happened by accident, as many things do. I was on Reddit, in a subreddit that had nothing at all to do with Warhammer. There was a thread, someone was talking about games that they didn’t like and Warhammer came up. A number of people had jumped in and agreed and this guy, I have no clue who it was, but he was responding to every negative content, saying he could convert anyone to a bona fide Warhammer 40k lover.

I had also posted that I didn’t care for it and this guy jumped on me. He was absurdly enthusiastic, to the point of being fanatical. He’d overcome any objection.

Great, I take that as a challenge.

First off, I don’t play wargames. Any wargames. I used to, way back in the day. I even played Games Workshop games, including early 40k. I played Space Hulk, I played Bloodbowl. I had a Skaven army in Warhammer Fantasy and an Eldar army in 40k. I know what I’m talking about. That was before I decluttered my life and got rid of all of the stuff that I didn’t need. I no longer have any interest in buying stuff just for the sake of buying stuff. I don’t want to have a multi-hundred-dollar pile of minis sitting around for no good reason. Hard pass.

Secondly, I have zero interest in making and painting minis. That was always the least interesting part of it, even when I played it. I’m in it for the game and having fun in the game, not in painting inch-high pieces of plastic. In fact, even if I did play, I wouldn’t paint the stupid things because I have no interest in doing so. Again, hard pass.

Third, I have no one to play with. Even though I have a Games Workshop store less than 5 miles from my house,  it’s a sad, pathetic place. The guy who runs it, and he’s the only employee, but he’s one of the most hardcore, high-pressure people I’ve ever had the displeasure to see. I suppose it’s no surprise that nobody goes into the store to play. Most people just walk out empty-handed because he’s kind of a jerk. I have no idea why the store is still open. Even if it was a great place, I have zero interest in hanging out in any store to play a game. Not my thing.

Fourth, I’ve realized that when it comes to sci-fi and fantasy, I really dislike the British take on it. I don’t care if you’re talking about Warhammer or Judge Dredd, those are not the kind of stories that I have any interest in. Far too much fantasy mixed in with the sci-fi. I don’t want magic. I don’t want the supernatural. 40k has both in spades.

Fifth, and this is personal, but I really don’t have any respect for Games Workshop at all. They’re one of the more obnoxious, money-grubbing game companies out there and that’s saying a lot. They vastly overcharge for everything and then keep changing the rules so you have to keep buying more stuff. Incredibly hard pass.

Sixth, and this is a big one, but I hate grimdark with a passion. That’s what 40k is. That is all 40k is. This is the one that got him to leave me alone, finally. I hate grimdark. I hate post-apocalyptic anything. I hate post-modern anything. If it doesn’t have a hopeful future, I have zero interest. That absolutely does not describe 40k. 40k caters to people who hate everything. Everyone in the game is an asshole. That’s not the people playing, necessarily, it’s the entire game system, the lore, the factions, everything just sucks. It’s a horrific race to extinction from every side. Screw that. The second I said that I hate grimdark with a burning passion, he suddenly stopped talking to me. I don’t think he knew how to handle it.

Therefore, he went off to pester someone else. I know that 40k is the 400-lb gorilla in the room when it comes to miniatures wargaming, but I have zero interest for a multitude of reasons. I’m not saying other people can’t enjoy it, but it absolutely is not for me. I wish people would stop playing evangelist because this is hardly the first time someone has tried.

Please, just leave me alone!