Yeah, this is late but when you’re writing nearly a month ahead of time, what do you expect? As critical as I’ve been of Peter Capaldi’s Doctor Who run, I still sat down to watch the Christmas Special, mainly because there wasn’t much else to watch, partially because it was the last appearance of Clara and I hate Clara with a passion, and just a little bit because I wanted something to rant about.
So is that what actually happened? Let’s leap into my look at Last Christmas.
I honestly don’t get how these things keep getting more and more lame, stupid and pointless, yet I find people raving about how good they are. This show has gone straight to hell, this season being one of the worst I’ve ever seen, yet there are still people out there pretending it’s wonderful.
After Clara is awoken by sounds on her roof, she finds Santa Claus and some elves trying to clean up after an accident. She’s shocked that Santa, played by Nick Frost, is real, but the Doctor arrives and hustles her into the Tardis. Clearly something else is going on here. They end up at the North Pole, where a scientific expedition has come across some trouble, there are some evil crabs that are attacking members of the crew and if anyone comes close and thinks about the monsters, they come to life and attack. After making a narrow escape, the Doctor and Clara are met by Santa Claus who delivers a dead “dream crab” in a jar. The crabs put you into a dream state while they suck out your brain, they are attracted by anyone who think about them at all and nobody knows if they are alive, in a dream, or in a dream, dreaming about being in a dream. Holy Inception, Batman! Of course, if you manage to realize you’re in a dream while in the dream, the crab dies and you escape, but do you really, or are you in another dream?
I am truly sick of Steven Moffat’s “don’t react to the monsters” crap. It was cute in the first Weeping Angel episode, but now he’s got monsters that you can’t remember if you stop seeing them, who don’t know you’re there if you don’t think about them, or if you don’t look at them. It’s old already! Add to that the fact that he blatantly rips off a ton of established sci-fi tropes and even tells the audience what he’s ripping off so we don’t think he’s really stupid enough to think we don’t realize it. Aliens? I mean, those aren’t blatantly face-huggers or anything. They don’t look at all like headcrabs from Half Life or anything. And the Inception bit was painful, I kept waiting for the classical Hans Zimmer BRAAM sound effects.
Maybe worse, I was really sort of looking forward to this special for two reasons. First, the trailer at the end of the last episode showed Nick Frost as Santa Claus. I love Nick Frost. He was great playing Santa, but Santa wasn’t even real in the special, he was just a collective delusion! I was hoping he was an alien or something, he’s just a mental aberration. Secondly, it was supposed to be the final appearance of Clara in Doctor Who and I hate that fucking bitch. I hate Rose more, but not by much. Clara wouldn’t know a personality if it bit her.
We got both the Doctor and Clara to admit they lied to each other. Yes, they’re both dicks. They’re passive aggressive to each other. Sure, on some level they did it for the good of the other, but it just reinforces the fact that Peter Capaldi’s Doctor is a jerk. He acts like a jerk in this special when, thinking he had freed the polar expedition from the dream crabs, he heads for the hills, leaving them to clean up the mess. Capaldi’s Doctor has issues and that’s why Clara, stupid, obnoxious, clueless Clara, is such an awful companion. Mostly, the Companions serve to ground the Doctor in reality, to keep him from using his tremendous power and knowledge in self-serving ways. They ask the hard questions and make the Doctor question his actions and intentions. Clara doesn’t do that. She doesn’t care. She isn’t the moral center of the show, she’s an idiot. She wants to have fun. At the end of the special, she runs out into the snow in her pajamas so she can have more fun in the Tardis, ignoring all the hardship and sorrow that her adventures through space and time have caused already. Danny is dead but who cares? Go back into that stupid blue box for some more good times!
What’s worse, when you think about it, the four “scientists” who got trapped by the dream crabs really didn’t go back to better lives. One of them pops back into her body and we find she’s confined to a wheelchair. Another gets back home and has been fighting with her boyfriend. A third, well, he doesn’t go home at all, he just dies. Even Clara, who goes back 62 years in the future, has never found love again, she grew old alone. Then she makes a vague reference to there only being only one man for her other than Danny, hinting that she could love the Doctor. I trust I don’t have to explain the bestiality angle of that again.
There were so many pointless parts to this episode, I don’t know where to begin. What was the point of Clara finding Santa on the roof? Heck, what was the point of the silly dancing Cockney in the room of brain-sucking aliens? She went in there, she danced around and the Doctor and Clara came bursting in. What was she there for in the first place? They just dropped the concept and went the other direction. After we find that everyone has a brain-sucking parasite on their faces, apparently nobody is worse for wear from having their brains sucked out. They had headaches… from WHAT? NOTHING HAPPENED! At first, it seems that Clara and the Doctor were under for mere minutes but what about the rest of them? And when we find that they found the Doctor first and that led them to Clara and the rest were just “collateral damage” (yes Doctor, you caused someone to die, yet you don’t seem at all bothered by it), either these are the slowest brain-sucking aliens in the history of brain-sucking aliens (not even causing any damage from what we can see), or it’s all a load of horse-shit.
I honestly think I’m done with Doctor Who so long as Steven Moffat is involved. He’s screwed it up so utterly, I spend all of my time yelling at the stupidity of the writing and virtually no time at all actually enjoying the show. A Sontaran with a nectarine for a brain could write better than this, I’m out until someone with a little more skill and a little less fanboy comes along.