Cephus' Corner

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Movie Review: Geostorm (2017) - Cephus' Corner

Movie Review: Geostorm (2017)

February 10th, 2018

In general, I am not a fan of these ridiculous natural disaster movies but my wife is, if for no other reason than to laugh at them.  I find them generally a complete waste of time and Geostorm is exactly why this is so.  They are absurd, take ludicrous liberties, often come attached to a leftist message that they beat you over the head with and the acting is generally terrible, even if they get otherwise good actors, there is very little they can do with what they’re given.  And yes, Geostorm sucked rancid donkey balls.  Here’s why!After an unprecedented series of natural disasters threatened the planet, the world’s leaders came together to create an intricate network of satellites to control the global climate and keep everyone safe. But now, something has gone wrong: the system built to protect Earth is attacking it, and it becomes a race against the clock to uncover the real threat before a worldwide geostorm wipes out everything and everyone along with it.

Now it’s clear that this is a straight out anti-American movie although they do push a pro-Democrat agenda.  They make it very clear that America is evil and needs to turn over all power to the United Nations.  Even my wife was saying how ridiculous the whole thing is.  But what do you expect out of modern Hollywood?

So anyhow, while I was watching, I started taking  some quick notes so I wouldn’t forget the rampant stupidity later on.  I think it’s easier to just go through my points and explore all of the real idiocy that Geostorm has to offer:

Presidential biometric override.  The only person who can override the satellites is the American President, he is the key and it requires his biometrics. So what if something happens to him?  What if he’s vaporized in an accident?  What if he’s kidnapped?  What if, as the movie suggests at one time, what if he  goes rogue?  Nobody else can wrest control from him.  It’s just stupid.

Irreversible self destruct.  At one point, the weather control station is set to self destruct and because there are no overrides, no emergency procedures in place, no big off switch, the whole thing goes up in a running Michael-Bay-esque fireball that takes about 1/4 of the movie to complete.  Honestly, you have a satellite system here that the planet depends on and the controls can  get hacked and destroyed and there’s nothing you can do about it?  Seriously?

Massive government conspiracy.  This is one of those dumb movies that has a  government conspiracy so absurdly huge that hundreds of agents just appear out of the woodwork, yet apparently there have been no leaks, no one has ever caught on and the “good guys” wind up running seemingly from the entire government with the full control and support of vast resources that, yes, the  “good guys” manage to evade.  The government can’t keep much of anything a secret, except in these silly movies.

Satellites doing impossible things with the weather.  Now  even if you accept that the satellites can do half the things that they propose, a lot of it is just downright idiotic.  They kept having these massive tidal waves coming in to shore, caused in 3 seconds.  The reality is, tidal waves are caused hundreds of miles out to sea, it can take days for the waves to actually hit shore.  You can’t do a lot of the things Dean Devlin put on screen.  You just can’t.

Lightning acting unlike lightning.  This is another example where even if you could trigger lightning storms, you cannot have lightning chasing people.  Lightning will seek out the highest point to strike, it will not be chasing people along the ground, driving between tall trees and taller buildings.  It doesn’t work that way!

Physics on the fritz.  In fact, the vast majority of the movie was just ignorant of basic physics.  Things just don’t work that way.  People put in a lot of these situations would be dead.  It’s not just slightly wrong, it’s absurdly wrong.

Unbelievable salvation. And at the very end, when the  brother and station manager were going to sacrifice themselves, I knew they’d find a way out, but even I didn’t expect something so ridiculous.  They jumped in a satellite that was just conveniently sitting there and let the explosion of the weather control station push to safety.

Absurd anti-American sentiment.  I already mentioned that they want to cast the Americans as the bad guys but it gets worse.  The main bad guy is absurdly mustache-twirling.  He wants power so he wants to wipe out the entire line of succession for the government, meaning killing millions, probably billions of people.  He wants to wipe out the majority of the planet.  Why?  Because he’s evil of course!

Ridiculous liberal bias.  And as should be obvious, leftist politics are on clear display.  The president, who turns out to be a good guy, is a Democrat, of course.  The movie spends a lot of time playing the “humans are bad” card. The whole thing is ridiculous.

And of course, everyone agrees, this might be the worst-rated film of the year. It had a very distinct 2012 vibe, which is not something to be proud of.  The disasters are terribly done, the characters are bland and unremarkable, the plot is laughably ridiculous and the bias is so heavy handed as to make the whole thing painful to watch.  This film is terrible in every way.  I’m actually sorry I watched it, which considering some of the awful movies I watch, says something.  Avoid this dog completely.

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Cephus' Corner

A Place to Share my Geeky Side With the World. Comics, movies, TV, collecting, you name it, I indulge in it.