Batman vs. Superman is another one of those movies that I heard nothing but horrible things about so I put off sitting down to watch it, knowing I’d be disappointed. I didn’t like Zach Snyder’s Man of Steel, which pretty much guaranteed I wouldn’t like this one, but I’m a completist for superhero movies and I knew that sooner or later, I’d have to sit through it.
I even got the Ultimate Edition, super-cheap on Amazon, hoping that extra footage would make it vaguely watchable.
So did it help? Read on and find out.
In the two years since Superman and Zod destruction-porned Metropolis, Batman has been convinced that Superman is a threat to the world. He sets out to find a way to kill Superman, as well as Lex Luthor, who was retroactively made not-Lex-Luthor, until the whole mess forces them to team up with Wonder Woman in the ending ridiculous and entirely pointless fight with Doomsday.
Sorry, this thing is just awful. I don’t know who the characters on screen were supposed to be, but it wasn’t Batman or Superman. The whole thing was logically inconsistent start to end. I mean, you have the whole bit where Batman is trying to beat Superman by using fear gas. Um… Superman doesn’t have to breathe. It isn’t more than a couple of minutes later that Superman is up in space not breathing. The whole concept is utterly idiotic.
And that was not Lex Luthor, fully stop. In fact, following horrible test screenings, they simply recast him as Lex Luthor’s son because Jesse Eisenberg did such a reprehensible job portraying him. Lex Luthor was a megalomaniac genius. Eisenberg made him a whiny little dick. And I even like Eisenberg in general, but here he was horribly miscast.
And who the hell thinks we needed yet another Batman origin story? What did it add to anything except the run time? Can we get one of these movies without telling the origins of everyone over again please?
Clearly, Zach Snyder has no idea who these characters are supposed to be. Batman doesn’t use guns. His parents were murdered with a gun and he has very rarely ever touched one. Yet here, he’s using them left and right.
And the music was just terrible. I honestly can’t remember a single note of it. The music from the 1978 Superman movie was amazing. This was crap. I still listen to the soundtrack from 1978. I would never bother with this garbage. What the hell is wrong with these people?
Now I said I watched the 3-hour Ultimate Edition and I kind of regret it. I was bored the whole way through. I think I dozed off once or twice but I don’t remember because I honestly didn’t care enough about anything in this movie to even notice that I might have missed something. The only real fight was the end and it felt entirely tacked on. Doomsday just poofed into existence at the end to give them an excuse for Wonder Woman to show up. Now I liked Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman, I even thought Ben Affleck did a decent job, but both of them together with Cavill’s Superman… pass.
And if the Ultimate Edition was this bad, I don’t think I’ll go back and watch the theatrical. This is supposed to be better and it was just terrible. I’m trying really hard to find anything positive I can say about Batman vs. Superman and I just can’t. Bad characters, bad writing, too much CGI, no coherent plot, unnecessary subplots, it was just horrible in every single way. I even had some good things to say about Man of Steel, I don’t think I have any to say here. And that’s sad.