I wrote about a bad Asylum movie not too long ago, here’s another one. My wife likes these crazy disaster movies and if Asylum makes them, they’re mostly disasters.
So let’s take a look at their mockbuster, designed to bring in the San Andreas crowd, called San Andreas Quake.
When a Los Angeles seismologist is discredited for making a bad prediction, no one takes her seriously when she announces that Southern California is in for a 12.7 earthquake. Can she rescue her family before the whole state falls apart?
Asylum is infamous for their terrible mockbusters, cheap movies made to confuse people who are seeking out the big budget Hollywood films and think they’re getting a quality product. This time, they’re ripping off the 2015 San Andreas movie, starring The Rock and doing it badly, as usual.
The effects in this movie are bad. Really bad. In fact, there’s one sequence where they’re looking at a rock slide from a helicopter and I had to back it up because I couldn’t believe the effects were as terrible as they actually were. There’s another sequence with a craptastic CGI hippopotamus that is so bad, it made me laugh. And the hippo crashes into the side of a car, but seconds later, the spot where it hit is entirely unharmed. My wife says “fake hippos don’t cause damage!” And immediately thereafter they cut to stock footage of a giraffe and the scenery isn’t even a remote match.
Usually, these pieces of crap are made with a sub-$2 million budget, but I think they were operating far below that with this one. Los Angeles is strangely empty, they couldn’t afford any extras to wander around in the background. And whoever wrote this piece of crap needs to have their keyboard permanently taken away. There’s one scene where the seismologist, Molly, says “We just drove by an area where everything is on fire and there are hundreds of downed helicopters!” Exactly why does an earthquake cause helicopters to crash? Who the heck knows?
And the acting is simply lackluster. Everyone is phoning their lines in. Nobody is really shocked at anything going on. “Oh no, people are dying. The horror. The horror.” It’s all deadpan.
Some Asylum movies are decent because they at least try. This is not one of those movies. Nobody cares. The actors don’t care. The writers don’t care. The effects techs don’t care. It’s like they made this movie on a Friday afternoon before a long weekend and were just trying to get it finished.
Avoid this piece of crap. It isn’t even in the “so bad it’s good” category. It’s just bad.